To feel again
by I Love-Hate him
Summary: I'm not to good at Summerys. Its a Shannon Moore fic, and it has mentions of both the Hardyz and Shane Helms.


**Name: To Feel Again.**

**Rating: M.**

**Warnings: Mentions of rape, abuse, swearing, Self-inflicted Injury, Suicide.**

**Summery: Shannon Moore tells a little story about some problems "The Reject" has ran into.**

**Characters: Shannon Moore, Jeff hardy, Shane Helms, Matt Hardy.**

**Writer's note: Yeah, this is gonna be rather...Bleak, I feel bleak so...Need to get out so emotion...And Why I always pick Shannon I have no clue...maybe cause I see myself in him...idk...onward... **

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It's weird, how people like you when you're nothing but, a stupid push over and can be used as a punching bag to get stress out on!

Then when you go to me yourself people hate you...

I know this all too well, you probably are wondering who I am, right? My name is Shannon Moore, or as some call me "The Reject".

Yeah, I admit it, I'm a Reject.

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Never Again.  
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.  
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead,  
you'll realize what you did to me.

--------

So my story all started a while ago, when I used to be a MFer for a guy I knew since I was a kid, his name was Matt Hardy, yeah, we got along for a while, until he decided Mattuide needed to "Go to a new level." Then beat the hell out of me.

Yeah, You all probably remember me back then, that stupid, pathetic kid that followed Hardy around even when he beat on me...yeah, that was me, I was so lost and I thought I was someone else.

One thing you all probably don't know (Even Matt) was that when he did that...the stuff I used to do to myself was gross, I used to drag that fucking razor blade down deep into my own skin and RIP it across and just watch it bleed...

So I could feel again...

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And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

--------

That was why I wore the tape all passed my wrists so no one saw my cuts...Not even Jeff knew, and Jeff and I were like...best friends, but, I never told him, Jeff didn't even know about what Matt was doing to me...Jeff was clueless...

So Matt would take me back stage, and beat the shit out of me and said he was 'teaching' me...then when he beat me bloody he'd leave and I'd cut myself and beat the shit out of myself...

Just so I could feel again...

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No, I won't let it go.  
Douse myself in gasoline.  
So don't save me when you come into the fire.  
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

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Then I'd go back to my hotel room... I shared with Matt...

Then something so so bad would happen...How do I say this...oh, wow...okay, so I'd just tell you...

One day, I remember perfectly...

I came home, from Smackdown! And went into the hotel room. Matt was there, he looked very cross.

--------

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

--------

"What's wrong Matt?" I asked, seeing that look on his face...

He just stared at me, with this emotionless, dark face.

"Matt..." I was starting to say something when he lashed out and attacked me. He threw me into the wall and banged my head against it about four times before smacking me in the face.

"You fuck everything up, Shannon, you can't do anything right! YOU'RE STUPID! AND WEAK! AND PATHETIC! AND NOTHING!" He screamed down at me.

I can remember feeling the hot tears roll down my face, but, I didn't fight back, I didn't protest, then he lashed out again, and punched me, over and over and over again, and racked his nails down my back and chest and even a couple on my face.

--------

You made me swear _[x2_.  
I, I can't sleep.  
Realize all these things that you took from me.  
Smash my heart (you made me swear)

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So I started crying, and he grabbed my hair and tossed me across the room, yanking allot of my hair right out of my head. And then he smacked me and called me weak again... 

Then punched me until I got knocked out. Pretty bad huh? Wait until you hear what happened when I woke up.

I woke up to Matt's hands racking over me, I opened my eyes to see I was face down on the bed, and I screamed when I realized my clothes were gone...but, I had a gag in my mouth, and my hands and ankles were tied to the bedposts...Then I felt something ripping me up...

That was a rape...I was...Matt was...raping me!

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into dust. (you made me swear)  
Suffocate my mind. (you made me swear)  
Tear at me from inside. (you made me swear)

--------

So I started fighting and struggling and praying I would get away. And he beat on my back and my head and shoulders, I was helpless.

Then next morning I tired to kill myself, I remember I was sitting alone in the bathroom, washing off the bruises and cuts and marks from Matt...

I had my knife, I kept when I cut up my arms, so I cut a little, but...it just hurt too much, so...so...so I took the blade, put it to my neck and slit my own throat.

--------

Smash apart what you created.  
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?  
It was, it was yours, yours to begin with.

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From what they tell me, Shane found me about an 20 minutes later, he said he walked in cause he knew I was there and found me on the bathroom floor with a puddle of Blood around me, he said he thought I was dead and called 911, I was in the hospital for 4 days until I woke up and then I got out...

Matt's beatings got worse and worse if I can remember, day by day, cause I kept fucking things up...God, I am so stupid...

That was the time Jeff found out, Matt had beaten the shit out of me, I mean, really, he beat the FUCK out of me, really. And I had gotten myself cleaned up and cut myself and then went and ran into Jeff, Jeff and I talked for a while, before I started to get dizzy.

"Hey, Shan? You okay? You don't look so good." Jeff said, he had worry in his eyes.

--------

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

--------

Then I fell over and passed out before I could answer him. I don't know if I passed out cause of the beating, the cutting or the fact I hadn't eaten in 5 days...No...I do not have a eating disorder; I just couldn't bring myself to eat.

anyway, when I woke up, I was with Jeff in his hotel room, with a wet towel on my head, and I started crying and told him everything, I sat there and cried and cried, and he held me for about 5 hours, and I just didn't stop crying, all the beatings and words he said to me, I couldn't take it, all the torture he put me through, the torture I put myself though...

Then after time Matt left Smackdown! And went to RAW, and I was left alone...

-----

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

-----

I cried myself to sleep that night, he didn't even tell me, nothing. He just left me. At least he wasn't beating me anymore, but, then I found myself being beaten by someone worse...way worse...

That would be myself...

My cutting got worse, and I started to beat myself, when he left, I tried to kill myself again...

I was alone, crying in the bedroom after I beat the hell out of myself, and I cut my wrist, in the bathtub, so I bled easier. Then...Then, I just cut it so so deep, and I must have hit a blood vein or something cause I bled everywhere...and again, It was Shane who came in and saved me, I passed out in his arms.

-----

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

-----

After that I used to beat the hell out of myself, and cut my arms into pieces, cause I got so used to Matt Beating me...

And after time, I got darker, a whole lot darker, as the self-abuse got worse, I just beat myself all the time, but, then I would cover it with make up so no one could see the bruises.

Allot of people in the locker room used to see the bruises and look at me like it was amusing or somethin'...like it made them feel better about themselves if I tore arms up and beat myself until I looked like a beaten little kid...

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Never Again.  
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.  
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead,  
you'll realize what you did to me.

-----

The 3rd time I tried to kill myself was cause of a way Matt looked at me, I had just went to ECW, and Matt looked at me with a 'oh-yeah-its-the-kid-I-used-to-beat-the-hell-out-of!'-look. So I glared at him...and he laughed and...Smirked...that smirk I used to see when he beat me up and raped me...So I run back to my hotel room afterwards and opened the window to the 4th story hotel room, sat on the edge of it, I knew this time I wouldn't fail, All I had to do was drop.

I was crying, and sobbing, and I had a knife and was cutting myself all up, starting with my arms and all the way all over my chest and sides and whatever I could get of my back, I was covered with Blood, I threw the knife back and wrote my Suicide letter;

_"Whomever who found me._

_I did it, I kill myself, I don't care anymore, and this is Matt's fault..._

_Fuck off, hate you all. Cause no one cares, No one loves me._

_I just want to feel again..."_

Then I sighed it and dropped it on the floor with the knife and dropped.

-----

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.  
-----

But, someone grabbed me; I looked up to see Shane again. Holding onto my cut up, bloody arm.

"SHANNON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" he managed to pull me up and into the hotel room and started asking me what I was doing and telling me I needed to stop doing this to myself...He told me to wait and he ran and got a wet paper towel, I couldn't move cause I was losing so much blood from cutting myself up... When he came back...

I was crying.

So he cleaned me and held me, and told me how much he loved me... And I passed out and woke up in the hospital, 6 days later, they said I almost died.

Just cause I wanted to feel again...

-----

No, I won't let it go.  
Douse myself in gasoline.  
So don't save me when you come into the fire.  
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

-----

Who knew "The Reject" Shannon Moore ever had pain, yeah, people could tell I was...well...screwed up a little, but, not many knew how much pain I was in behind all that dark make up...

Shane watched me close after that day, he watched me even though I yelled at him for it.

He stopped me from killing myself 4 more times after that, I passed out on him countless times.

Then there was Jeff...Matt's little brother, I told you about him, right?

----

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

----

Well, there was one day where I started getting in a screaming Match with Matt the first week I moved from ECW to Smackdown! After my Match I went up with Matt and we started screaming at each other for some reason, I called him a dick, he called me weak, I called him an asshole, he called me pathetic, this went on for a good 10 minutes before I told him to go fuck himself and he attacked me.

At first I started fighting back, but, then that weak little kid he used to beat came running back and I let him, he gave me one fuck of a beating and then started raping me.

He had taken off my furry, spiky, coat thing and got my pants down to my knees before Jeff came and threw him off me. And then helped me back to his locker room and started getting me cleaned up, I had all this blood and my make up was running down my face, and I had a cut on the side of my head that was bleeding pretty bad too, plus some other bruises and marks and cuts.

--------

You made me swear _[x2_.  
I, I can't sleep.  
Realize all these things that you took from me.  
Smash my heart (you made me swear)

--------

I started crying again, and saying how much I wanted to die.

And Jeff just held me, and told me he loved me, and Shane loved me...but it was hard to believe.

So when I left from Jeff's Locker room, I cut myself and ended up passing out and waking up with Shane again...

Now... Thinking over everything that happened...that has happened to me...I can't believe I lived through it...

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into dust. (you made me swear)  
Suffocate my mind. (you made me swear)  
Tear at me from inside. (you made me swear)

--------

I hate myself for it...

I hate myself for hurting..

I hate myself for not being able to feel...

I hate myself for cutting the fuck out of myself and hurting Shane and Jeff...

I hate myself for failing at ending it...

Maybe I should just end it all...

And give it up...

And Die.

I am so sick of hurting!

I need to...feel again...

-----

Smash apart what you created.  
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?  
It was, it was yours, yours to begin with.

-----

----

Shannon put down his journal and picked up the knife, he was gonna finish it once and for all... He was so sick of failing at dying.

He looked into the mirror, at his blood-shot green eyes, red from crying. He took his blood from his wrists and wrote on the wall:

"Goodbye... I'm sorry."

Stared into the mirror, and held the knife in the air...tears started falling down his cheeks, his hand shook before it went down and into his stomach, he screamed and yanked it out and did it again, only in his chest...

He was feeling now...and feeling allot.

Shannon groaned and leaned against the wall.

"I'm sorry." he whispered before falling to the floor...

Shane ran in 10 minutes later,

"Shan? Shannon? No... Not again..." Shane ran to where Shannon laid. And shook him, this was more blood then he saw Shannon bleed before.

He called 911 as fast as he could, and held onto Shannon, looking into his face, which was peaceful.

He looked at a bloody journal on the floor and opened it, reading the words Shannon wrote.

_"He really finished it...for real..." _Shane broke down and started crying, he had Saved Shannon from every other suicidal thought...

"Just hold on...Hold on...Please, Please, Please, Shannon...Hold on." Shane begged, as the Medics took Shannon away and into the hospital...

Where he soon after 3 weeks came out of it, and went on with his mess of a life...

-----

And if my lungs still let me breathe,  
would you be there for me?  
If I can make myself believe,  
I'll give you back what you took away.

-----

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**END.**

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Plz review...

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** _I don't own Shannon Moore, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy or Shane Helms, they own themselves. Smash into pieces (The song) is by Silverstein. And this is all fictional, so none of this ever really happened...as far as I know...O.O _**


End file.
